Swim with the Fishes

Every Wednesday, we dock in Kona. Kona is where the Iron Man competition is held. We are allowed to swim the Iron Man portion. So for the past few weeks I've made a point of taking advantage of this opportunity.

The swim is phenomenal!!!! It's like swimming in a tropical aquarium!! Such amazing sights!! I can't even begin to name the different fish and coral I've seen. Week before last, dolphins swam nearby!! I wasn't out far enough to see them but I'm working my way up to swimming out that far!

This week I left with a baby crab crawling off me. It gave me the creeps, it looked like a tarantula, but the locals said it was Good Luck! I'll take their word for it, the swim itself is such a treat!

Boys in Men's Clothing

There is a chef here who for weeks only glared at me with a deadpan expression. While he looks like Yosemite Sam his demeanor is more like Charles Manson. Every time I see him I dive for the opposite corner and at ALL cost avoid eye contact.

Last week Chef Yosemite Sam about 1/2 block away spied me careening his direction. He waggles his thumb and pinkie finger at me in the Hawaiian expression for "Hi!" or "Hang Ten" !

HUH?!

The other day, I've got my head down chopping onions, peppers and parsley (like a maniac) for fish cakes he screams, "HELLO GORGEOUS!" I cut my finger . . . WTF?

Earlier this week Chef Smelly Ass had an impromptu staff meeting, I'm the only woman in the group of 8 people. While chef is breaking down the menu for us, I whip out my lip moisturizer and whisk it around my lips right quick.

• Chef looses his train of thought, and stutters for a good 15 seconds.
• Paulino gazes at me like I'm a goddess.
• The other 5 just gape at my mouth like it gonna perform another magic trick!!

I've always had an extremely high opinion of myself (blame my parents), but reactions like this is RIDICULOUS!!!!

Fun Facts

Working in kitchens you get to see your fair share of bugs and rodents...yuck! My personal pet peeve are flies. I absolutely hate, loathe and detest a fly! Funnily enough, there are NO FLIES in ship our kitchens!! Actually, no bugs, rodents, ants, or ANYTHING! Which is nice! Real nice!

Except.....

On Saturday, is the big change over day. Passengers are leaving, new ones are expected, supplies are hauled in, its a HUGE HUGE undertaking. So when I waltzed in on Sunday for lunch prep, I spied a little fly! I watched that little creature for a good 15 mins, I was so excited!

I wanted to keep it as a pet!

Round 2

Oh my Stupid Roommates!!!! There were 2 rules they had to follow:

1. The only sitting chair in the cabin is NOT YOUR CLOSET! Put that shit somewhere else.
2. The TV has to be turned off by 2 a.m.

Both of these rules Fuckwits screwed up 4 days after the pow wow. I went to Chef Frank and told him to remind them about the two rules. He immediately got on the phone and called who ever. That night my roommates in a panic requested a "Roommate Meeting". I agreed to 6 p.m. the following evening.

Next evening, Chef Smelly Ass changed my schedule, so I couldn't meet at 6. I hunt down the Fuckwits to ask about rescheduling to 7p.m. Oh my god, the meltdown was incredible to watch! I was screamed at, "IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!!! CHEF ERIC SAID I HAD TO MEET WITH YOU TODAY AT 6 P.M." This was followed with a quivering chin and watery eyes and Fuckwit #1 stomped down the hallway.

I was in awe! Somebody was really, really nervous about being under the gun. So, I called my Chef told him I'd be meeting with my roomies and would work later than my usual time.

What came out of that meeting was, I discovered my roommates are retarded. I'm not being mean or facetious, just stating a fact. They have the IQ of 84 pts. I didn't know they were mentally retarded, now I know what I'm dealing with, I can cut them some slack.

We're all the best of friends now, but they still don't know what to do when they see me in the hallways 389 times a day. I've drawn the line, I ain't sayin' hello or waving - damn I have to sleep with them isn't that enough?

Hammer Time

I finally had it with the antics of my juvenile roommates so I had them hauled into the Executive Chef's Office for a little chit chat. The Exec Chef is Frank who takes NO BULLSHIT and will tell you point blank what he's thinking. (I kinda like him, but have a hard time understanding him, with his accent - he's French)

Anyhow, Frank had me start out the meeting by stating what the problem was, I shared my viewpoint of what was going on (too numerous to reiterate, just trust me, my roommates are assholes) and then I stated further the quick fix is not me moving out, they needed to change their behavior, we didn't have to like each other to live together. Silence. I saw a little gleam in ole Frank's eye though. He wasn't expecting that line out of my mouth.

Some concessions were made, meeting ended, I was dismissed. The roomies had to stay for a further chat. I have no idea what was said, but they really don't like me now (ha-ha) and their cabin room behavior has changed dramatically!

Score 1 for Lisa!

Unbelieveable!

My first day on the ship, there was a funeral held for a crewmember, who had gone swimming on the island in the wrong spot and broke his neck.

The following week, another crewmember tried to commit suicide (by taking Tylenol and cough syrup - but hey! the effort was there.

Yesterday while I'm eating breakfast we hear over the intercom "Code Oscar!" a crew member hurled himself off the ship into the ocean! Then we hear Capt. Buz holler into the intercom, "Will the Safety Officer please report to the scene! Uh... the Safety Officer was already at the scene, he caused the scene! YIKES!!

I wonder how Capt. Buz feels about having 3 episodes within 3 weeks on his watch. I think he's afraid of people asking him about yesterday's incident. I saw him in the hall this a.m., he did an abrupt about face, so I bellowed any way, "Good Morning, Capt.!" He mumbled a reply, but he was high tailin' it down the hallway!

Name Calling

My boss, Chef Smelly Ass, asked me to do something and I responded with "Yes, sir."
He asked, me, "Why do you call me sir?"
I said, "Because I can't remember your name."

Safe answer, I really call him Chef Smelly Ass, but as I'm still on probation, I think it best not to call him that.

I've finally given up on insisting my name being used. Every fool on this ship refer to women as "sweetie, momma, honey, peaches. Irritating because in the kitchen I work in I'm the only woman. My co-workers all call me Lisa, the other fools that float through there use the pet names.