Ha! Ha? . . . Huh?

Working in the Crew Mess we prepare the foods, but there are many many servers who replenish the food. Anyhow, one kid "Jimmy" asked me if I like Mexican food, because there was a place in Kauai that had FANTASTIC food and margaritas. He went on and on about the fabulous margaritas and how much I'd love them, they make the best he's ever had, blah, blah, blah. Now I'm looking at this kid and realize he probably doesn't even shave yet, he's so young, so I ask him, "Are you legal to drink?" His reply was, "Yep! 10 days!"

I laughed so hard, loud and long I gave myself a headache! Jimmy really knows his liquors!

* * * * * * * *

John who also works in Crew Mess, is this ENORMOUS beast of a man who talks with a nasal Texas twang. John's goal is to make 6 pizzas in 10 hours. Sometimes he can get it done within the given time frame, most times not. He ain't motivated to move too fast. So, John is explaining to me how fabulous his pizzas are and all the different toppings he puts on them - onions, peppers, cheese, mushrooms, pepperoni (THAT'S IT!) I asked him if he has ever made a margherita pizza, he looked at me horrified and said, "No, we can't make that here." I told him its not made with alcohol. He said, "Oh, I know, it's just too tedious to make here. I said, "Really? It has 3 ingredients: basil, cheese and pizza sauce." He doesn't talk to me anymore about the fine art of pizza making.

Today, I was assigned to make his pizzas, he was visibly trembling when he had to hand over the stuff. He'll flip tomorrow when he finds out I made a meatball pizza, asparagus and chicken pizza and a meat lovers pizza. Dept. Dir of F&B high fived me when he saw I'd made the meatball pizzas. John's gonna hate me . . .

Double Take

I've seen 3 celebrity look-a-likes on board:

Tom Welling (Smallville)
Collin Powell (WMD frontman)

It's all I could do to keep from waving and giggling like a fool!

Chef Smelly Ass, my boss, looks like a slimmed down version of Mr. Haney from Green Acres. No giggling or waving involved there . . .

Aha!

Since working for NCL psuedo-navy, I've now discovered why it is one can become so easily addicted to drugs, alcohol and cigarettes. The pressure to conform to "order" is tremendous. Hierarchy is EVERYTHING! And you are immediately put in your place even without it verbally being said. I'll give you an example . . . .

I work 7 days a week, I was issued 3 uniforms. It takes laundry 3-4 days to return your laundry. After working 8 mins. in the kitchen I'm covered in muck!! My uniform is destroyed. So I'm now forced to wear filthy clothing several days in a row. Executive sous chefs march around in pristine uniforms. I guess, I'm put in my place. So, being the wicked person I am, I've worn the most disgustingly filthy dirty uniform to work for the past 5 days - I ain't changing it either!

This is just one of the many many ways one is doggedly, incessantly, relentlessly pummelled with feelings of inadequacy. Not to mention the numerous rules/regulations that instill fear in one. You are guaranteed a write up, suspension, docking, retaliation if there is any suspicion of you breaking a rule.

It's no wonder I've always been in conflict with management. I can't knuckle under. It's physically, emotionally, spiritually impossible for me to do. I have no interest in making those in higher positions feel superior - to me? Fuck 'em!

Granted I pay the consequences, like the time I called the Capt. a liar. But since then, whenever he sees me he shouts "Hi, There!!" The Dep. Dir. of Food & Beverage is currently trying to figure out why I don't shudder in his very presence. I'm gonna get him a helmet, cause we will be buttin' heads soon . . .

Progress!!

While making cajun catfish, chili mac, italian sausage pasta, fruit salsa, vegetable stir-fry, grilled ham steaks, bbq ribs, and lord I can't remember what else, my co-workers started calling me "Miss Lisa". HIP HIP HOORAY!!

Chef Smelly Ass returned from his week long training, he spied me on the gangway when I was leaving for my morning run he shouted "HEY!" I smiled, he threw open his arms and hugged me - WTF??! When did we quantum leap to huggin'?

The Job

Well, since I've started working in Crew Mess galley, I've made, pastrami sandwiches, chicken fricasee, red snapper, french fries, cod, pasta, pasta, pasta, diced bacon, and chives, for approximately, 250 people. The crew buffet is ENORMOUS and I get a tiny portion of it to prepare. Yes, I love it! I'm learning so much! Mostly how to use new equipment and kitchen strategies/dynamics.

There were 6 of us who started new on the ship, as a result EVERYONE's hours were cut. NOBODY is happy about that. The tension in the galley is palatable. I understand their grumblings. You are paid minimum wage, and the OT is what makes it manageable. 6 newbies snatching your crumbs makes for a tense situation.

Two dudes who've been training me are helpful, one's English I can't understand, he asked me to make "morning sauce" I told him I don't know what a morning sauce was. He then rattled off the ingredients, I quickly understood it to be a bechamel with cheese, he's call it a mornay sauce. But if my memory is correct, mornay sauce really has a tomato product added. So, you see my dilemma. This coupled with the other trainer who keeps calling me "sweetie", "momma", "baby", and "honey", each time I tell him, my name is Lisa. FINALLY he got it yesterday, when I said, you know that little pile of money you're saving? It could be wiped out with a sexual harassment case. He blanched and immediately started using my proper name. Idiot!

Fire Hydrant

You know when you take your dog for a walk, and it feels compelled to pee on every single, tree, post, fire hydrant, tire, shrub? Well, I feel like that tree, post, hydrant and shrub. Since I'm new every man with or without teeth, limited proper English speak skills, is dying to chat me up!!

I'll give you an example, I'm getting off the ship for the first time last night, dude stops me in the stairwell (2-2-22, important to know in case of emergency) and tells me he likes is sistas thick, this was complete with hand gestures as to where the "thickness" should be...oh, yeah, thanks.. Then standing in the pier, waiting for the shuttle three circling sharks intermittently asked me if I'd like to go out with them for the evening - HELL NO!! I live with you, work beside you, last thing I want is to party with you!

It's breakfast time, so I have to go in the Crew Mess, hopefully find a table with a bunch of other women or buddy up with one of my classmates which sorta slows down the toothless and clueless. I'm told this is because I'm new and there all hoping for a shot. Wha they don't know is there about to get shot.

Get to Work!

Basic Safety Training ends today! So, if you are ever in need of me performing CPR, bandage a wound, call for help, shimmy in/out of a life preserver, dive in/out of a life raft, put out a fire using a hose and/or fire extinguisher, show you to your muster station, and a myriad of other safety related procedures, I'm your gal. WHEW! I'll need more luggage to haul all these certificates home!

I finally received my job assignment!! I'll be working in the Crew Dining Hall. Or the correct term, "Crew Mess". I know I'll be working a minimum of 57 hours a week. My gut instinct tells me the reason it took so long to receive this info is due to the fact, there is a glut of Asst. Cooks and they're scratching their heads trying to figure out where we should go.

I met my supervisor last night, he looked like someone had pulled him out from under a garbage pail. His introductory words to to me were, "I'll be away this week to a training, so you won't have to see my smelly ass." Then he proceeded to chat up my 19 y.o. classmate, reminscing about Michigan. Nice......

I don't know my schedule, I'll have to follow up with that after class today.

WHEW!!

The BIG test was finally completed today!! You HAD to have a passing score of 70% otherwise your bags are packed and you're flown home, immediately! The stress for this particular test was ALL CONSUMING!!! My little classmates were MANIC about studying for it and memorizing every damn code. I thought if I read the booklet and did the test quizzes I'd be fine. And I was. 100% of the class passed!

Saturday, is our water rescue, fire hose drill, and something else search and rescue related. It sounds like fun!! I'm excited about this one! Later that evening we have a swanky dinner with Sr. Mgmt. and all our certificates are distributed!!! YIPPEE!!

Drug Test

Hey, do you think it was a coincidence that I received a "random drug test" call this morning, after I essentially called Capt. Buz a liar? I don't, here's the story....

In the vast auditorium of 30 participants, from the back row I listen to Capt. B say, "If I see you in the hallways, I always say hello." My face must have registered something, because he singled me out by saying, "What? I didn't?" So I proceeded to tell him when I passed him and his posse of white suits and gold stripes, I piped up with my "hello" and got no response. He reiterated, "I always say hello and if I don't you can call me on it."

This morning, I got snatched out of my bed at 5:50 a.m. to go pee in a cup...

We're all the same . . .

Capt. Buz said and I quote:

"No one is better than the next. You're all very important. From my position on down. "

He's funny.

It's a wonder there aren't more homicides committed in dorms, and/or shared living spaces. My roomies like to watch TV from 10pm-5:30a.m. My ear plugs block out the racket but the glare from the TV screen is like a beacon!!

I want to shout profanities and kick the damned TV out in the hallway. I've restrained myself thus far and shall continue to do so until I get a chance to talk to the roomies. We're all on such weird schedules, so when I see them it's fleeting. And I've only seen them once, so I don't recognize them that well, either.

Fortunately, I'm sleeping like a baby and haven't caught an infectious disease from the nasty shower - yet. But god forbid I catch the heebie jeebies, shouting profanities and kicking appliances will seem mild in comparison.

Testing...testing...testing

I missed 2 questions so my score was a 92%. That's still an A, right? I was made to feel inadequate for not receiving 100% score on a First Aid test. Our instructor handed out additional high fives, fist bumps and congratulations to all who received a perfect score or 96%.
That was weird to me.

The best part of the class was I got a chance to chat with a fellow student, a 71 y.o. Hawaiian piano player who has lead the most fascinating life!!! His mentors were Dizzy Gillespie, Joe Sample, Diane Reeves. This man has some GREAT stories to tell. I could listen to him all day long, he tells his story with such humility and passion! My favorite story is when he's asked to play "Tiny Bubbles" for the one billionth time and he'll oblige for a few bars and then on his cue the band will "funk it up" he words! LOVE IT!!

Day 3

Yesterday, I decided to meander around Maui, I had a couple of hours before I had to go to training. Oh, Maui was on its best behavior, weather perfect, I thoroughly enjoyed my stroll outdoors.

An hour before class begins I saunter up to the pier and show security my badge for access. She asks me, "I need to see you TWIC". I blanch and look bug eyed at the ID badge I'd flashed her, its my damn ID card I in have to have displayed chest to shoulder high AT ALL TIMES while on the ship. It also gets me in/out of my room. The TWIC is the second most important document I now own! Secondly only to my passport and Merchant Mariner's Certificate. I had left my TWIC back in my room!!!

Time is ticking, I HAVE to be in uniform, in class, CAPT. BUZ #1 is conducting in 58 mins. The security gate is about 4 blocks distance from the ship. Security pages securtiy saying "A Lisa Sadler is WITHOUT her TWIC and needs an escort." I'm riddled with shame and humiliation, what a typical newbie thing to do. I'm told to sit in the Stupid Idiot zone and wait for an escort.

Tick, tick, tick...

15 mins. go by I ask security to call again she refuses claiming they are busy and will be along as soon as possible. I'm completely panicked at this point and am frantically scanning the security gate line for any semi familiar faces of returning employees, to help me out!! Tick, tick, tick

I finally spot a fellow employee, whose abundant auburn curls swinging down her back I secretly envy, smiles, I poke my pearly whites her direction and march up to her asking if she could please help me. Her response was, "Of course, if I can" I tell her my plight, explaining I have to be IN CLASS in 20 mins. in uniform with Capt. Buz, would she please run like the wind to my cabin, grab my TWIC and then run back to me as if her life depended on it. Presumptious I know, but I was desperate.

She didn't even blink. She ran like Flo Jo! Minutes later, returning with my card in hand and a hearty, "I hope you make it to class in time!" I barely had time to respond as I had to repeat the same trek in 13 mins.

Sweating profusely, patting like the devil, I made it to class on time escorted by none other than Capt. Buz!!

Today, I will find this gracious woman and pledge my undying gratitude and promise of my kidneys should she need it.

Day 2

Oh nothing beats the gentle rocking of the ship to lull you to sleep. Kind of like being in the womb. Considering the size of the cabin, its not too far from the truth!

Linens, and uniforms were issued yesterday. So I made my bed (top bunk, YEAH!) and stashed my stuff in my closet (smallish) 1 drawer (decent size) cosmetic drawer (micro) and medicine cabinet (miniscule). Surprisingly, all my stuff fit just fine with gobs of room to spare. My roomies on the other hand . . . they're gonna hate me. I threw one girls luggage out of my closet and pitched it near the front door. I hauled out 379 hangers, and took them to recycling. Soon, I'm going to conduct a little "spring cleaning".

The bathroom is so tiny!! I took a shower but needed to shave my legs. So, I just decided to plant my tush in the sink and prop my legs on the shower wall thereby creating a Lisa Bridge over the toilet in order to shave my legs. I still had to bend my knees to accomplish the task.

Hierarchy is VERY VERY VERY important here. Why do I forget this? Why do the more important ones feel the need to remind me they are more important than I? Anyway, last night at the Safety Training course, we were shown a schematic chart explaining the course of action in case of emergency, who does what. There are 1100 crew members, each one listed in importance and expectations in case of emergency:

• #1 THE CAPTAIN BUZ (more about him later...)
• #944 Asst Cook Lisa: here's what I'm to do: GET YOUR ASS TO MUSTER A1 and wait for more instructions, shut up and line yourselves up, 5 deep, tall to short!!!!!!

I was told to memorize my number. I guess that's incase I get to thinking too highly of myself.

Anyhow, lunch is in 10 minutes! Somebody had made a lentil bean concoction that was SCREAMING delicious! I hope it makes the buffet line today. Tomorrow I swear I'm gonna workout.

The Adventure Begins!

I'm on the ship!!! And it's CRAZY Saturday!! Staff are running around loading/unloading supplies, luggage, new employees like me! Had to sign a zillion New Employee forms, have a little orientation tonight at 7:30 (10:30 Sac Time). They have a HUGE buffet to choose from for lunch, which I did. I'm in cabin #2224, haven't met my 2 new roomies, from what I can gather, they are slobs and very young. My biggest worry....this will be addressed very soon.

So far, EVERYONE I've run into is VERY accommodating and helpful. Twice I got lost and several kind souls redirected me, which involved holding my and and carrying my luggage, no easy feat!

I'm desperately struggling with the new terminology: aft, starboard, bulkhead, military time. UGH! I've been promised by all I'll get it down in a couple days. I'm being impatient, I know.