Cabin 2224

Neat Nic that he is, Capt. Buz did random cabin inspections last week. He saw, first hand, the squalor I’ve been subjected to and immediately failed the cabin. He even left a little note, pointing out what exactly needed to be cleaned. Four days later, he checked the cabin again!

“Um, yes Captian, it’s still filthy!”

Failed!! Two failings is an immediate invitation to the 12th Deck! which ain’t a good thing.

The rules/regulations stipulate “Should a cabin fail inspection, all occupants are responsible” my roommates and I get hauled up to the Executive Chef’s Office and are informed we have to attend a “Warning Session” - 12th Deck. A Warning Session means you don’t have the warning yet, but depending on the outcome of what is discussed, you may walk out of there with a warning. 98.9% of the people invited to a Warning Session get the warning. Not really sure what follows a warning, but everybody is afraid of the warnings.

We are given the opportunity to defend ourselves. I’m relieved I’ve kept copious notes from Day 1 regarding cabin conditions and truculent roommates, yet irritated I have to get called on the carpet for something NCL should have fixed years ago. Namely, get rid of the filthy sloths. But, I’m a team player, I go along with the game. I submit my typed rebuttal and typed 3 page documentation of life in cabin 2224, and await the big day.

You would think the fools would at least make an attempt to tidy the cabin some. They don’t. Instead they are boasting about how this has happened before nothing ever came of it, and they really don’t care what happens.

The Big Day arrives and the occupants of Cabin 2224 were summoned into the room, on Deck 12. In this room, sit enough white shirts and with gold stripes on the shoulder to blind a person. I don’t know who any of them are, but am quick enough to know all are chief’s and directors, and I better mind my P’s & Q’s. I see that each has a copy of my rebuttal/documentation lying on the table in front of them.

The Head White Shirt and Gold Stripes asks, “Who’s Lisa?” I say, “I am.” Five White Shirts and Gold Stripes pause and look at me bug-eyed. I’m starting to feel a little uncomfortable, I was pretty brutal in the rebuttal and the documentation is uncensored and graphic! Then he sincerely says, “We owe you an apology. You’ve done everything you could, followed the proper chain of command and nothing was done for you. We are very sorry. If in the future, you should have problems, please come directly to myself or, and he points to, Mr. White Shirt and Gold Stripes Who Wears Glasses. You are excused.”

I politely thank them and quickly exit. Leaving my roommates in the room, seething.

Now, I don’t know what was said to my roommates, but I’m fairly sure they got a warning, since I later overheard one of my roommate screaming at the top of her lungs “THAT FUCKING’ BITCH BLIND SIDED US!!!”

I’m thinking, it will be a hostile living environment if I remain in that cabin, so I went to my supervisor and request a cabin change. HR only allow cabin change requests on Mondays/Tuesdays after 3pm, with the proper paperwork. Uh, no paperwork necessary for Ms. Sadler on this Sunday morning, and she was assigned a clean, nice smelling cabin, by 3:08 p.m.

Mr. White Shirt Gold Stripe HR did ask me, “After reading your lengthy documentation, why did you put up with that for as long as you did?” How do you explain to someone it wasn’t out of martyrdom, but tenacity? and the secret chuckle you got out of knowing it really, really pissed off your roommates that you were in “their territory” and they had to put up with your rising at dawn, making your bed, forcing them in small ways to change their bad habits, and there was nothing they could do about it, knowing one day it would all pay off? I couldn’t, so I just said, “I don’t know.”

I also relayed to Mr. HR, the screaming incident I’d overheard earlier. Ex-roommate probably imploded after she got her kicked in ass handed to her - again.

Conquering Kona

I did it! I swam to the 1/2 mile buoy!! It wasn't a pretty swim and lord knows I didn't break any world records. It was a lot of fun! And I've got bragging rights for a good 6 days!

Sailing around the Hawaiian Islands, our cruise ship, Pride of America strives to make it as authentically Hawaiian as possible. We have a Hawaiian Ambassador, China, who lives on board, to impart Hawaiian traditions/history to the guests. She’s a very nice lady, with the patience of Job. Whenever I see her I say, “Hi, China!” She grins so wide I can count all 1,131 of her teeth, and breathily says, “Aloha!”

Anyhow, Aloha (hello/goodbye) Mahalo (thank you) are used ad nauseam amongst the crew members. I ain’t sayin’ it, nor will I ever.

My new friend, James, is a server in Crew Mess. His job is to set up the hot/cold food lines, once we make it, re-fill the punch machine, set up the dessert station, make ice cream, etc. One day, I was irritatingly complaining about the only option for dessert was chocolate ice cream. I continued rave about how I can’t eat chocolate this late, blah, blah, whine, whine, piss and moan, pout.

James graciously said, “Oh, let me check for you. Hmm, let’s see chocolate here and chocolate here too.” He then looked me directly in the eye, smiled ever so sweetly and said, “Mahalo!

Mollified, I shut up, hustled along and sat down to eat my meal. Then it dawned on me, he just told me to "Shut the fuck up! It is what it is! It’s a free meal! This is all there is, take it or leave it and move on!" Mahalo!

Let me tell you, I laughed so hard, so loud and for so long, I nearly blacked out.

Crew Fun!

Once a month, the Crew Activities Director puts together an event for all staff. Typically these events are held very late at night 10:30 p.m. - 1:30 a.m. (Ugh!) Last crew event was free bowling, pizza and soda in Kauai. I’d rather endure a public enema than go bowling and eat pizza, with the same people I work, eat and sleep with. I’ll pass . . .

This month it was karaoke night in one of the bars, on Deck 11, in the passenger area! Woo Hoo! Now I love to watch people make fools of themselves. I made a point to attend this one. So I took a nap, threw on a pair of white pants, orange sweater, knotted a scarf in my head and took off.

First of all, I was over dressed. Folks gawked at me. One girl got up the courage to say, “You look like you stepped out of an L.L. Bean catalog.” Secondly, we were only served beer or wine. Wasn’t in the mood for either. But they did have cold popcorn, for consumption. I passed on that too . . .

Finally at around 11:45pm the festivities began! Let’s just say, It wasn’t worth the nap and getting dressed. The volume was so low you couldn’t hear it over the buzz of the audience. The few folks I could hear whisper into the room were lack luster. The most semi-interesting thing that happened that night was the transvestite crew member who was there to Par-tay!!. By day he’s Tyrone at night she’s Yasmine. Yasmine perched herself next to me, chatted my damn ear off and took our picture. I know that picture is already on Facebook somewhere....

I should have stuck with my public enema philosophy.

Capt. Buz is my Hero!

Did I mention the first time I laid eyes on Capt. Buz it was a wide angle view of the seat of his pants? I was walking down the hallway and he was bent over picking up a speck of trash! The man is a NEAT NIC!! He’s obsessed with cleanliness and the appearance of his vessel.

Well, Captain got a bug in his cap today and decided to do random cabin checks. He checked my cabin!! YEAH!! He must have raked my nasty roommates over the coals because the last 72 hours our cabin is much tidier than I’ve EVER seen it. It’s amazing how quickly one can pull one’s act together when the Captain tells you to do so.

I’m going to see how I can send him a 'Thank You!' note.

Sensitive People

Chef Smelly Ass pulled me aside for a chat. Evidently four people in the kitchen have a problem of how I say things to them. My delivery is hurting their feelings. Here’s one example...

I asked Oscar why he put orange cheese in the chicken cannelloni filling. (p.s. for those of you that don’t know, it’s an Italian dish no cheddar cheese goes near any Italian dish - EVER) He said, “It’s not orange cheese it’s cheddar and adds a nice flavor. (Mild cheese adds flavor? Oh, okay....)There are many variations of how to make it, and this is how it’s made in Production, and for your information, everybody loves it.

I asked, “Am I one of the "everybody"?”

Well that comment along with some other spicy conversations put me in the spotlight.

Chef Smelly Ass overheard this exchange and he stated he didn’t see it as particularly offensive. Yet, Oscar thought I was questioning his cooking ability and was challenging. Chef Smelly Ass concluded by saying no matter how good someone is, or how well they can cook, if they’re a problem, it’s like cancer, he’s gonna have to cut it out.

I said, “Chef, look at me, I can’t change. You’re leaving for vacation in a few days and I feel bad you have to deal with this pettiness right now. I’ll keep all my dialogue to “hello & good bye” from here on out. But as far as Oscar goes, I’m not his supervisor nor do I sign his checks, why does he care what I say? And, no I’m not apologizing to him.”

I excused myself and left.

Chef Smelly Ass continued to sit there rubbing his face looking out the window, trying to figure out what the hell he’s gonna do.

(everything in parenthesis was not uttered, but was probably written all over my face)

Day Off

Since there are too many people and not enough work, I got the day off, in KONA!!

I spent the morning battling the Iron Man swim. I'm no where near the "Iron" status, but in a few weeks I hope to be able to see "aluminum foil" progress. Had a nice leisurely breakfast, then found a hotel that had chaise lounges perched right on the ocean! Took a 2 hour gaze at the beautiful surf/sea, then meandered my way back into town, got a wax then mozied over to Target and back to the ship.

EXCELLENT day! Need 30 more just like it!

I'm told it might happen again next week. I'm keeping my fingers crossed....

I Love Capt. Buz!!

I worked like a rabid dog over fishcakes the other day for Crew Mess dinner. I thought they were pretty tasty but got no feed back from my co-workers or any one who tried them.

Next day, I over hear Capt. Buz tell somebody, "Those fishcakes last night were out of this world!" I was STOKED!!! WOO-HOO!!

Later that day, Chef Smell Ass tells me Capt. Buz emailed the Executive Chef Frank about how good dinner was the night before and especially mentioned the fishcakes!

I just might be good at this cooking thing . . .

Life on Board

Now that I have a better understanding of what life is really like on board I can share it with you.

I work in the Crew Mess. The menu is very similar to Juvenile Hall! I laughed out loud when I saw chili mac, sloppy joe’s and mac-n-cheese on the menu.

My hours are 9-5 everyday. Which isn’t as bad as it sounds. “Weekends Off” is no longer your goal, instead you look forward to when your shift ends or when you can get off the ship for a few hours to see the islands. Down time on the ship is the limiting and potentially boring!!! So working long hours every day is best to help time pass. Saving $$ is a MAJOR motivating factor to working so many hours.

There are 8 total who cook in Crew Mess. I’m the only woman (sigh). We have daily scuffles as to the only way to make Pork Adobo, Teriyaki sauce and Fried Rice. But fried chicken is made by dipping the cooked meat in water, dredged in flour and then deep fried . . . . it’s pure shit, and I’m purple with rage!! So I’ve taken on frying 90# of chicken 3x’s a week, in order for it to be done the right way. Yeah, it’s a little work, but I get paid the same and I have the satisfaction of knowing its being done the right way!

Completely different departments clean the kitchen, and wash pots/pans. There are NO TOWELS to wipe down counters, your hands, or pick up hot items. We have hot pads, whew! Paper towels are used to swipe at shit slopped on counter tops. We have exactly 8 knives, the sharpest one can’t cut air! I’ve begged Chef to sharpen our knives, he looked at me like I’d sprouted two heads.

There are no robot coupes, blenders or cuisine arts! So, when I had to chop, by hand onions, peppers and parsley for fishcakes to feed 200+ people, I was nearly crippled by days end. There is ONE stick blender but it is kept under lock/key on the 5th Deck and ONLY the Executive Sous Chef can request its use. Sanitation buckets are ubiquitously placed, and are rarely used. Oh get this . . . EVERY DAMN DAY we have to order salt and pepper! The ordering is done by the Executive Sous Chef only, and when we get it someone promptly steals it out of our kitchen!! We have some times gone DAYS without either. In fact, every day, everyday supplies have to be ordered Weird!!

Several different departments contribute to a portion of each restaurant menu. The Production Dept. preps rices, mashed potatoes, soups, etc. The Produce Dept. provides chopped, sliced or diced veggies/fruits of several different varieties to the entire ship. The Bakery provides breads to the entire ship. Pastry Dept. desserts for each dept. Each restaurant has its own kitchen where they specially prepare the items for their menu. Let's say the restaurant Little Italy has Peppers & Sausage on their menu, they would order their meat from the Meat Dept. and prepare it but would have the peppers come pre-sliced from Produce and the marinara sauce would come from Production. A LOT OF TEAMWORK goes into each ones menus. It's mind boggling how it all happens so seamlessly.

I’m finally, finally, able to navigate my way from my cabin to Crew Mess without asking 6 people and still getting lost! This ship is HUGE and I am the most disoriented person to walk the face of the earth! I seriously considered buying a GPS to help me get around this damn ship.

Crew “hang out” areas on the ship are: a gym, game room with pool table (which is hard to play as the ship rocks back and forth) and an air hockey table, 3 flat screen TVs to play video games, and also watch TV, but you have to share these with 900+ other people. There is a Crew Bar open every evening from 8:30 - 1:30 a.m., there is a very strict drinking code, blood alcohol limit is .04. On the 12th Deck is an outside crew area, with spectacular views of the ocean, and islands, but no where to sit, unless you perch your ass directly on the deck, which some do. Not I! In your shared cabin you have a remote control TV with a DVD player, and a small refrigerator, not bad. I have the top bunk which suits me just fine.

Swim with the Fishes

Every Wednesday, we dock in Kona. Kona is where the Iron Man competition is held. We are allowed to swim the Iron Man portion. So for the past few weeks I've made a point of taking advantage of this opportunity.

The swim is phenomenal!!!! It's like swimming in a tropical aquarium!! Such amazing sights!! I can't even begin to name the different fish and coral I've seen. Week before last, dolphins swam nearby!! I wasn't out far enough to see them but I'm working my way up to swimming out that far!

This week I left with a baby crab crawling off me. It gave me the creeps, it looked like a tarantula, but the locals said it was Good Luck! I'll take their word for it, the swim itself is such a treat!

Boys in Men's Clothing

There is a chef here who for weeks only glared at me with a deadpan expression. While he looks like Yosemite Sam his demeanor is more like Charles Manson. Every time I see him I dive for the opposite corner and at ALL cost avoid eye contact.

Last week Chef Yosemite Sam about 1/2 block away spied me careening his direction. He waggles his thumb and pinkie finger at me in the Hawaiian expression for "Hi!" or "Hang Ten" !

HUH?!

The other day, I've got my head down chopping onions, peppers and parsley (like a maniac) for fish cakes he screams, "HELLO GORGEOUS!" I cut my finger . . . WTF?

Earlier this week Chef Smelly Ass had an impromptu staff meeting, I'm the only woman in the group of 8 people. While chef is breaking down the menu for us, I whip out my lip moisturizer and whisk it around my lips right quick.

• Chef looses his train of thought, and stutters for a good 15 seconds.
• Paulino gazes at me like I'm a goddess.
• The other 5 just gape at my mouth like it gonna perform another magic trick!!

I've always had an extremely high opinion of myself (blame my parents), but reactions like this is RIDICULOUS!!!!

Fun Facts

Working in kitchens you get to see your fair share of bugs and rodents...yuck! My personal pet peeve are flies. I absolutely hate, loathe and detest a fly! Funnily enough, there are NO FLIES in ship our kitchens!! Actually, no bugs, rodents, ants, or ANYTHING! Which is nice! Real nice!

Except.....

On Saturday, is the big change over day. Passengers are leaving, new ones are expected, supplies are hauled in, its a HUGE HUGE undertaking. So when I waltzed in on Sunday for lunch prep, I spied a little fly! I watched that little creature for a good 15 mins, I was so excited!

I wanted to keep it as a pet!

Round 2

Oh my Stupid Roommates!!!! There were 2 rules they had to follow:

1. The only sitting chair in the cabin is NOT YOUR CLOSET! Put that shit somewhere else.
2. The TV has to be turned off by 2 a.m.

Both of these rules Fuckwits screwed up 4 days after the pow wow. I went to Chef Frank and told him to remind them about the two rules. He immediately got on the phone and called who ever. That night my roommates in a panic requested a "Roommate Meeting". I agreed to 6 p.m. the following evening.

Next evening, Chef Smelly Ass changed my schedule, so I couldn't meet at 6. I hunt down the Fuckwits to ask about rescheduling to 7p.m. Oh my god, the meltdown was incredible to watch! I was screamed at, "IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU!!! CHEF ERIC SAID I HAD TO MEET WITH YOU TODAY AT 6 P.M." This was followed with a quivering chin and watery eyes and Fuckwit #1 stomped down the hallway.

I was in awe! Somebody was really, really nervous about being under the gun. So, I called my Chef told him I'd be meeting with my roomies and would work later than my usual time.

What came out of that meeting was, I discovered my roommates are retarded. I'm not being mean or facetious, just stating a fact. They have the IQ of 84 pts. I didn't know they were mentally retarded, now I know what I'm dealing with, I can cut them some slack.

We're all the best of friends now, but they still don't know what to do when they see me in the hallways 389 times a day. I've drawn the line, I ain't sayin' hello or waving - damn I have to sleep with them isn't that enough?

Hammer Time

I finally had it with the antics of my juvenile roommates so I had them hauled into the Executive Chef's Office for a little chit chat. The Exec Chef is Frank who takes NO BULLSHIT and will tell you point blank what he's thinking. (I kinda like him, but have a hard time understanding him, with his accent - he's French)

Anyhow, Frank had me start out the meeting by stating what the problem was, I shared my viewpoint of what was going on (too numerous to reiterate, just trust me, my roommates are assholes) and then I stated further the quick fix is not me moving out, they needed to change their behavior, we didn't have to like each other to live together. Silence. I saw a little gleam in ole Frank's eye though. He wasn't expecting that line out of my mouth.

Some concessions were made, meeting ended, I was dismissed. The roomies had to stay for a further chat. I have no idea what was said, but they really don't like me now (ha-ha) and their cabin room behavior has changed dramatically!

Score 1 for Lisa!

Unbelieveable!

My first day on the ship, there was a funeral held for a crewmember, who had gone swimming on the island in the wrong spot and broke his neck.

The following week, another crewmember tried to commit suicide (by taking Tylenol and cough syrup - but hey! the effort was there.

Yesterday while I'm eating breakfast we hear over the intercom "Code Oscar!" a crew member hurled himself off the ship into the ocean! Then we hear Capt. Buz holler into the intercom, "Will the Safety Officer please report to the scene! Uh... the Safety Officer was already at the scene, he caused the scene! YIKES!!

I wonder how Capt. Buz feels about having 3 episodes within 3 weeks on his watch. I think he's afraid of people asking him about yesterday's incident. I saw him in the hall this a.m., he did an abrupt about face, so I bellowed any way, "Good Morning, Capt.!" He mumbled a reply, but he was high tailin' it down the hallway!

Name Calling

My boss, Chef Smelly Ass, asked me to do something and I responded with "Yes, sir."
He asked, me, "Why do you call me sir?"
I said, "Because I can't remember your name."

Safe answer, I really call him Chef Smelly Ass, but as I'm still on probation, I think it best not to call him that.

I've finally given up on insisting my name being used. Every fool on this ship refer to women as "sweetie, momma, honey, peaches. Irritating because in the kitchen I work in I'm the only woman. My co-workers all call me Lisa, the other fools that float through there use the pet names.